Chemotherapy 8/8...done with chemo!

Special thanks to Nakai-Sensei for
the and-made adorable charms!

Two Fridays ago, I was able to do the last round of chemo (and hopefully the last one of my life)!! As for the chemotherapy, I was put to sleep during the injection so I didn't have to fight through the emotional instability. I still experienced nasty side effects afterwards but knowing that it is my last round, it helped me to recover psychologically much faster than physically. 

Every round of chemo I experience, I realize that my psychological health comes before my physical health. I've read in the same book I introduced last time (Girls Story by Atsuko Asano), "the most difficult illness to cure is the one that the patient lacks willingness to cure." There is also the famous Japanese proverb, 「病は気から」, meaning "illness starts with the mind," expressing the importance of mind that plays in human health. I bet there's a similar proverb in English, too.

What's next?

Once my WBC# and its segment are recovered, the radiotherapy will start. I have an appointment with the radiotherapy doctor next week Tuesday, where I may start the therapy later next week. And guess what? If my body is recovered to normal, I get to eat sushi!!!! I've written my cravings for raw fish numerous times, and it had been indeed a pain to live in Japan where there's full of temptations for raw fish but not being able to consume it. 

Chemotherapy 6/8! ...Ensure protein and Olivia Newton-John

I found a plastic box that was 'melted' by erasers!!

YES, I only have 2 more chemo to go!!!!
I sound pretty excited now because I'm both physically and mentally stable but when side effects were hitting me last week, "2 more chemo" just sounded like "2 more hell" that I didn't even want to think about it. It's amazing how people can change their thoughts depending on the health. It makes me nauseous just thinking about my condition last week, and I think most of you are tired of me repeating the same thing, so I'm going to skip the update this time.

In a gist, I got through with chemo 6/8, but I still have 2 more to go.

Ensure protein drink is working...I think!
I had the weekly check up with my doctor yesterday, and my WBC was 2800 (+500 compared to last time)! I told my doctor that I have been drinking Ensure every morning, and he said it may be helping. I finished 3 large cans so far, and I'm working on the fourth can now. I also weigh 46 kg with stability, which is 2kg more than when I was hospitalized! I feel like my jeans got tighter too...or I might just be imagining?

Olivia Newton-John and Pineapple Classics 5k
I didn't know that she had a breast cancer. I actually only knew her name until I found her on a magazine at the hospital yesterday. She went through 6 months of chemo, which she says that just thinking about those days with side effects still makes her shiver. I feel her. One of her suggestion to chemo patients was to do something fun, creative, and sensational. I thought about my craft making, which has been a lot of fun lately.

Last week I received an e-mail about this event called Pineapple Classics looking for volunteers. Pineapple Classics 5k is a charity run organized by Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. It caught my eyes because the e-mail also mentioned about Hodgkin's lymphoma. Before I got lymphoma, this is a type of an event that I would just pass by, and I thought about how my thought may change after all the treatments are over. Will I support the cause even more rigorously? Honestly, I'm not sure yet. I feel like I'm going to have another identity crisis. Anyhow, if anyone's interested, it will be held on November 12th for Seattle, and there seem to be a number of other cities that will be holding the event.

Chemotherapy 5/8...「頑張りましょう」, one long battle

Some 2000~3000 year-old ceramic doll excavated in Japan.
Doesn't it look like it's saying "give me a hug"?

”頑張りましょう”

It took forever to get better after my 5/8 chemo. As expected. my soul and body expressed rejection to the drug injection on October 4th through giving me nausea even before at the hospital. Then during the pre-chemo check with my doctor, I told him that I don't really want to go do chemo (which I knew I hard to anyway), and he replied, "頑張りましょう!" which in translation means "do your best, make an effort, or try hard." It's a very common expression to cheer up people and a lot of people used it toward me, but I'm really starting to not like this expression, ”頑張りましょう” because I don't know what I should "do my best" about my situation.

On the other hand, I also don't know what is the best expression that would make me feel better. During the hospitalization about two months ago, I was trying to figure out what I should say to one of my neighbor patients with leukemia right before I leave the hospital. What I ended up saying was, "Let"s not give up." Her condition was much more devastating than my condition that sometimes I wonder if I had made her feel any better.

One long battle
The drug injection went as awful as it has been, and I spent next 6 days with the usual nastiness. I was afraid that my normal body is not going to come back ever until I'm completely done with chemotherapy. Fortunately, most of the side effects are gone now, although the stomachache still exists as I type this blog. I still cannot feel hunger but I know when to feed myself through feeling the pain in my stomach. I hope I'll have at least one or two days that I can feel 'normal' and do whatever I feel like doing.   

My normal days as a lymphoma patient

Last Tuesday I went to the hospital for the usual check up, and there was nothing really special. The WBC# was 3000 (-900 since the last count), my doctor examined my lymphoma on the neck and commented, "yeah, we still need to get rid of these guys. Only 4 more chemo!" Haha...yay. Additionally, probably because of the relatively high WBC# and the doctor's mistake, I still was feeling quite normal all week long this week. Nevertheless, I still got tired easily from walking around outside or even surfing the internet. Somehow I can't stare at the computer screen for a long time anymore; it makes me dizzy in about one hour.

I have been eating normally, and I started to drink the Ensure protein shake everyday since my aunt told me that I should be drinking more. Interestingly, it actually looks like I've gained a bit of weight since then. I was 44 kg all this time but now it's showing 45 kg for the past couple of days.

For my hair loss update, I have been wearing a hat to go out because it looks like I have a bald spot on top of my head. I still have a lot of hair and I'm shedding a lot at the same time, but at this shedding speed, I think I'm going to have a lot of hair left after the chemotherapy is completed. Nonetheless, my mom and I decided that we buy one wig in case. Then my mom bought one wig with its product name, "newscaster style wig." I'll post up a picture when I try it out.

My next chemo is coming up in 2 days. I'm not as scared as before but it's an unpleasant feeling that arise when I imagine myself going to hospital again.

4/8 Chemotherapy...finally half way!!

Good bye dragonflies, see you next summer

Last week, I went all out; I ate raw fish, raw eggs, fresh vegetables, and even drank some beer since my WBC# was normal in response to my doctor's mistake. Sushi never tasted better. My heart was even beating fast when I entered sushi restaurant, which I haven't been for last torturous 2 months. I had never realized how much impact sushi had been making in my life :P

On September 20th, the day for my rest of 4/8 chemo, my WBC# was unchanged from last week, and rest of the three drugs were injected. My vein hurt a bit during the injection, but it wasn't that bad. What was worse was the nausea. I was feeling it as soon as I entered the hospital, and as usual, it continued for next three days or so. I had a light fever all week then, so I was once again a zombie. Just like the other chemo recovery times, I spent most of my day laying down, bearing the pain and nausea. It did not feel any different from the other chemotherapy, it was neither worse nor better.

However, there was one improvement; I think I figured out a source of my mental strength. Perhaps it's because of the time when students start school at UW. When I thought of Seattle, I got jealous of the people who get to go to school, go to work, or whatever they want to do. The time of the year made me become conscious of myself that I am currently ill, and I got angry at lymphoma that has only been bringing me difficulties so far! As I laid down on the bed in pain, I truly wished and prayed that I want to get better soon so that I can go back to school, do research, study, get a degree, find a job, and live a normal life. Surprisingly, when I went through the whole process of picturing my life after the treatment, I felt a little better. It felt as though the nausea dissipated a bit. Since then, I had been using the same trick when I can feel nothing but disgust. It's good to know that I still seem to have a control of myself.

The summer seems to have left my hometown while I was laying down on the bed for the whole week. The temperature is now down to 25C or so, which reminds me greatly of Seattle summer.

The menstrual cycle

The WBC# of the week: 2200. A slight increase compared to last week.

I had X-ray and blood test last Tuesday. The intention for X-ray was to determine the lung damage caused by chemo. At this point, there was no damage observed.

Additionally, I told my doctor that my menstrual cycle seems to be disturbed that my period hasn't came for over the average cycle. My doctor replied, "You should expect not to have period for the duration of the chemotherapy." However, he stressed, "That doesn't mean that you cannot get pregnant. In the past, there was a patient who got pregnant during her chemotherapy. And babies don't want to go through chemo..." He didn't mention what happened to the patient, which I was curious to know but could not ask.

Although my doctor told me that my period will not come, it came as soon as I arrived home from the hospital. It is a strange coincidence. I wasn't sure if I should be happy about it, but I felt somewhat relieved that parts of my body is functioning normally.  

3/8 Chemotherapy...plane ride, side effects, and dreams

It's hard to tell but my collar bone is back!
But when I touch the area I can still feel the broken up lymphoma. 

Chemotherapy is like a plane ride. The only difference is that chemo doesn't really take you to anywhere exciting (or cancer-less world?). In order to get on the plane, passing through the long line for TSA is inevitable, just like the blood test is necessary before beginning chemo. I had been waiting for at least 45 minutes to get blood drawn every time, because there is always a long long line of people waiting to get blood test done, regardless of how early I arrive. Then, when you get on the plane, nausea hits you the entire plane ride, at least for me for most of the time. After the drug injection in chemo, I have this similar feeling of being on the plane for a few days with nausea. And with all the endless aftershocks in Japan, chemotherapy experience, for me, has just been like one traumatic plane ride.

As for the aftermath of 3/8 chemo, I had a light fever for the whole week last week, it felt almost worse than last time. It is the third time for drug injection, so it could be that the body is reacting to the drug even harder. There was a new side effect that appeared on my fingers:

These dark lines at the edge of my nails are present on all my fingers, but not on my toes. My doctor said some people get horizontal lines on the finger nails, too. 

Because I was once again not feeling well for the whole week, I slept more than half of the day every day. And almost every time I slept I had a dream, and when I woke up I get confused whether I am still dreaming or I'm back in reality. I dreamed about food often, even though my appetite was abnormal. I dreamed about eating apple pie, Indian food, KFC, McDonald's, and just really random food. Additionally, the most exciting dream I had was seeing everyone I knew. Somehow everybody decided to gather at my home and I saw so many people that I missed very much. After realizing that it was a dream, I wanted to see and talk to people so badly, and I wanted to become normal again even badly.

Last Tuesday my WBC# was back to 2100. Tomorrow I have the weekly doctor's visit. Hopefully the WBC# is still near 2000; perhaps it's time to drink Ensure and eat ripe bananas.

MY WBC is back!

A pix of gross medicine for my stomach...
it has a viscosity of liquid glue, taste
 of a bubble gum, and I get
to drink this 3 times a day to make my
stomach feel better :P

Yesterday I had a weekly checkup at the hospital, and amazingly, my white blood cell count (WBC#) increased from 2100 to 2500!! I don't exactly know what I did that was good for my blood cells, but it was a very pleasant surprise. Previously, my doctor told me that there isn't really a way to increase the WBC# unless we inject medicine into the body, so I was only expecting WBC# to decrease again. My doctor didn't give me much reason to why it increased, but it showed me that there may be something I can do about WBC#.

My aunt told me to drink Ensure and some people told me to eat ripe bananas for WBC# to increase. There aren't scientific explanations to neither of those, but that's what I ate and drunk, so I'm going to keep on going with it and see what happens next week!

Also, to decrease the pain I experienced on my vein, my doctor recommended that I do push ups, so that I can strengthen and thicken my vein. I confessed my doctor that, "I couldn't do push ups even when I was healthy." He looked at me, got silent for a bit, then laughed quietly. I guess he couldn't give me advice on how to do push ups...

2/8 Chemotherapy --- heat, zombie in pain, and hair

My doctor said my lymphoma got even smaller...I guess so?

It has been one week since my last post---there were a lot happened (sort of). I finally feel better to provide updates on my status.


My home's AC was not fixed until 3 days ago, so we spent 5 days last week sweating and whining. It was one of the hottest week for Japan, too...the temperature was 35+ C everyday with the humidity of 50+%. Also, it was even worse for me because I just had the second round of chemotherapy.


On Tuesday, 8/9, I went into the hospital around 9 am, and I was out by 4:30 pm. My WBC# was 2100; it is expected to decrease as I go on and there is no way to increase the value unless I inject the drug to increase the WBC. The chemo went alright, but worse than last time because the D drug was so painful during the injection. My vein at the location of needle was in crazy pain, it felt like someone was pinching my arm really hard for one hour, I thought the drug was going to squeeze my arm to necrosis. As soon as all the drugs were injected, nausea and stomach ache arrived. I quickly went back home with my mom, and started laying down on the bed in the hot steamy no-AC house. 


For the next 5 days, I felt like was a zombie in pain (or is zombie always in pain?). I had no motivation to do anything but lay down on the bed, I had consistent stomach ache, chest pain, and my body was fatigued all day. It almost felt like this time was worse than last time. And this time, I finally realized why so many people kept telling me to "stay strong." If I didn't 'stay strong', I would have fallen apart both mentally and physically. It meant a lot more than I imagined, to have wonderful people send me messages that push my back to stay firm.
------
Additionally, new side effect arrived the day after my second round; hair loss. Slowly but surely, I'm shedding. Yesterday I was able to make a hairball with a size of golfball from taking shower.


I read a number of blogs by lymphoma patients, and Rose Egge, a reporter from komonews (thanks to Suzie!) stated, "It took just a few strands for me to realize I may never be mentally prepared to lose my hair." Perhaps because I don't have great attachment toward my hair, I don't feel that I am emotionally affected by my hair loss, or maybe not just yet. I'm even curious to know how my scalp looks like, and sometimes looking forward for 'new hair'. I heard from so many people that one of the best thing about after chemo was that their new hair grew out so pretty with no damages!. 


My mom and I started to discuss about whether to purchase a wig or not. You can buy a cheap one with under $100, but the question is more of whether I will need it? Not to brag, but I do have a lot of hair. When I told Jiro that I'm starting to lose hair, he said "I think you have more hair than you can lose." Humm, I hope so. Another question is will I want a wig? That I will have to wait until my hair is gone and see how I feel about it.    

Need to gain weight!

Now my weight is around 44 kg, and I'm aiming 46 kg before my next chemo. What am I eating now? Well, I still do not have much appetite and my sense of taste also changed that I'm still trying to figure out what I would and would not eat. I started to not like vegetables much (surprise!). Anyhow, to increase my weight and protein intake, my aunt who experienced ovary cancer last year sent me a four cans of Ensure protein powders from Taiwan. They are originally the U.S. products and there isn't anything like it in Japan. Now I am trying to drink two cups of Ensure protein shake everyday. Hopefully it works.

I also started drinking plum tea, hoping to strengthen immune system in my body. Hopefully, this works too.

If anyone has an idea about how to increase weight and strengthen my body...what to eat, what to do...let me know!! I have no restriction on my diet at this point, just nothing raw.