Chemotherapy 6/8! ...Ensure protein and Olivia Newton-John

I found a plastic box that was 'melted' by erasers!!

YES, I only have 2 more chemo to go!!!!
I sound pretty excited now because I'm both physically and mentally stable but when side effects were hitting me last week, "2 more chemo" just sounded like "2 more hell" that I didn't even want to think about it. It's amazing how people can change their thoughts depending on the health. It makes me nauseous just thinking about my condition last week, and I think most of you are tired of me repeating the same thing, so I'm going to skip the update this time.

In a gist, I got through with chemo 6/8, but I still have 2 more to go.

Ensure protein drink is working...I think!
I had the weekly check up with my doctor yesterday, and my WBC was 2800 (+500 compared to last time)! I told my doctor that I have been drinking Ensure every morning, and he said it may be helping. I finished 3 large cans so far, and I'm working on the fourth can now. I also weigh 46 kg with stability, which is 2kg more than when I was hospitalized! I feel like my jeans got tighter too...or I might just be imagining?

Olivia Newton-John and Pineapple Classics 5k
I didn't know that she had a breast cancer. I actually only knew her name until I found her on a magazine at the hospital yesterday. She went through 6 months of chemo, which she says that just thinking about those days with side effects still makes her shiver. I feel her. One of her suggestion to chemo patients was to do something fun, creative, and sensational. I thought about my craft making, which has been a lot of fun lately.

Last week I received an e-mail about this event called Pineapple Classics looking for volunteers. Pineapple Classics 5k is a charity run organized by Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. It caught my eyes because the e-mail also mentioned about Hodgkin's lymphoma. Before I got lymphoma, this is a type of an event that I would just pass by, and I thought about how my thought may change after all the treatments are over. Will I support the cause even more rigorously? Honestly, I'm not sure yet. I feel like I'm going to have another identity crisis. Anyhow, if anyone's interested, it will be held on November 12th for Seattle, and there seem to be a number of other cities that will be holding the event.

The concept of beautiful prosthetic limbs and my hat

 

Right: The picture of "美しい義足（the beautiful prosthetic limbs）", courtesy of Shunji Yamanaka Design Laboratory. 

I had an opportunity to watch a presentation on the product design of prosthesis a couple of months ago, given by Professor Yamanaka of Keio University. "Prosthesis used to be something to be hidden underneath the clothes. But when athletes with prosthetic limbs sprint through the ground, it becomes something to show rather than to hide, then finally becomes something to praise. We wanted to support those athletes by designing a functional yet beautiful prosthetic limbs" Professor Yamanaka said, and displayed his creative product design. I was simply impressed by his idea of "functional yet beautiful prosthesis" and captivated by the delicate design. People almost always prefer something beautiful over ugly, when there's an option. It's kind of like how I try to decorate my hat with ribbons and flowers.

Then I wondered, how do these athletes feel when people say, "your artificial leg looks so cool!" Regardless of the cause of these athletes' loss of a body part, I'm sure they prefer to have their body part back, if possible. The situation is very different, but it's probably close to the feeling when people say "your hat is cute" to me. During the past couple of weeks, I wouldn't be wearing a hat if I wasn't sick. When I could simply be happy when people compliment my hat, that's when I fully accepted myself with lymphoma.

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I was fully recovered last Thursday or so. It only left me 5 days with normal condition. Time is passing by really fast but when I foresee the next 3 chemo, it still feels like forever...arg.

Chemotherapy 5/8...「頑張りましょう」, one long battle

Some 2000~3000 year-old ceramic doll excavated in Japan.
Doesn't it look like it's saying "give me a hug"?

”頑張りましょう”

It took forever to get better after my 5/8 chemo. As expected. my soul and body expressed rejection to the drug injection on October 4th through giving me nausea even before at the hospital. Then during the pre-chemo check with my doctor, I told him that I don't really want to go do chemo (which I knew I hard to anyway), and he replied, "頑張りましょう!" which in translation means "do your best, make an effort, or try hard." It's a very common expression to cheer up people and a lot of people used it toward me, but I'm really starting to not like this expression, ”頑張りましょう” because I don't know what I should "do my best" about my situation.

On the other hand, I also don't know what is the best expression that would make me feel better. During the hospitalization about two months ago, I was trying to figure out what I should say to one of my neighbor patients with leukemia right before I leave the hospital. What I ended up saying was, "Let"s not give up." Her condition was much more devastating than my condition that sometimes I wonder if I had made her feel any better.

One long battle
The drug injection went as awful as it has been, and I spent next 6 days with the usual nastiness. I was afraid that my normal body is not going to come back ever until I'm completely done with chemotherapy. Fortunately, most of the side effects are gone now, although the stomachache still exists as I type this blog. I still cannot feel hunger but I know when to feed myself through feeling the pain in my stomach. I hope I'll have at least one or two days that I can feel 'normal' and do whatever I feel like doing.   

My normal days as a lymphoma patient

Last Tuesday I went to the hospital for the usual check up, and there was nothing really special. The WBC# was 3000 (-900 since the last count), my doctor examined my lymphoma on the neck and commented, "yeah, we still need to get rid of these guys. Only 4 more chemo!" Haha...yay. Additionally, probably because of the relatively high WBC# and the doctor's mistake, I still was feeling quite normal all week long this week. Nevertheless, I still got tired easily from walking around outside or even surfing the internet. Somehow I can't stare at the computer screen for a long time anymore; it makes me dizzy in about one hour.

I have been eating normally, and I started to drink the Ensure protein shake everyday since my aunt told me that I should be drinking more. Interestingly, it actually looks like I've gained a bit of weight since then. I was 44 kg all this time but now it's showing 45 kg for the past couple of days.

For my hair loss update, I have been wearing a hat to go out because it looks like I have a bald spot on top of my head. I still have a lot of hair and I'm shedding a lot at the same time, but at this shedding speed, I think I'm going to have a lot of hair left after the chemotherapy is completed. Nonetheless, my mom and I decided that we buy one wig in case. Then my mom bought one wig with its product name, "newscaster style wig." I'll post up a picture when I try it out.

My next chemo is coming up in 2 days. I'm not as scared as before but it's an unpleasant feeling that arise when I imagine myself going to hospital again.