Chemotherapy 8/8...done with chemo!

Special thanks to Nakai-Sensei for
the and-made adorable charms!

Two Fridays ago, I was able to do the last round of chemo (and hopefully the last one of my life)!! As for the chemotherapy, I was put to sleep during the injection so I didn't have to fight through the emotional instability. I still experienced nasty side effects afterwards but knowing that it is my last round, it helped me to recover psychologically much faster than physically. 

Every round of chemo I experience, I realize that my psychological health comes before my physical health. I've read in the same book I introduced last time (Girls Story by Atsuko Asano), "the most difficult illness to cure is the one that the patient lacks willingness to cure." There is also the famous Japanese proverb, 「病は気から」, meaning "illness starts with the mind," expressing the importance of mind that plays in human health. I bet there's a similar proverb in English, too.

What's next?

Once my WBC# and its segment are recovered, the radiotherapy will start. I have an appointment with the radiotherapy doctor next week Tuesday, where I may start the therapy later next week. And guess what? If my body is recovered to normal, I get to eat sushi!!!! I've written my cravings for raw fish numerous times, and it had been indeed a pain to live in Japan where there's full of temptations for raw fish but not being able to consume it. 

Chemo 8/8 attempt failed :(

Unfortunately, my white blood cell count and segs (segmented neutrophils) was insufficient to carry on the chemotherapy yesterday. (WBC# = 1700, SEG = 34 %, where if the seg count is less than 500 the patient is at increased risk of infection). I will be going into hospital again this Friday, and hopefully the WBC# is increased enough to do the last round of chemotherapy!

Strangely enough, even though I didn't have chemotherapy yesterday, I was feeling noxious and tired all day. I always feel nervous on the day and the day before chemo, so maybe the body was anticipating the horror of chemo every other week.

Lucky

When I think of cancer and other types of illness, they are simply a death threat, and there's nothing good about it. Or what's good about illness always seemed to come with pity that I could not resonate. The pain a patient experience can never be shared by others, and frustration follows a patient everywhere.

Last night I was reading a Japanese novel, where I discovered the happiness of being a patient. I was so intrigued by the line that I even felt lucky that I am ill:


「病に倒れた人は、確かに不幸ではあるけれど、恢復の喜びを経験できる幸せもまた手にしている。水が飲める幸せ、まっすぐ歩ける幸せ、身体に痛みがない幸せ、ほんの少しでも物を口にできる幸せがどれほど貴いか病まなければわからない。病んでこそ味わえる幸せがあるのだ。健やかな人には、決して知ることのできない幸せがある。」ガールズ・ストーリー、あさのあつこ


Here is my attempt in translation:

"People who fall victim to illness, are indeed unfortunate, but they also receive the fortune for being able to experience the joy of recovery. How the happiness for being able to drink water, the happiness for being able to walk straight, the happiness for feeling no pain in the body, and the happiness for being able to eat even a small portion, cannot be understood unless you are ill. There is happiness that can only be experienced through falling ill. And there is happiness that can never be understood by a person with full of life." --Girls Story, by Atsuko Asano




This is why I felt so pleasant when I could eat a full meal again. This is why when I felt like a winner when I could turn on a laptop again. And this is why I feel so energetic than ever that I could do anything once the side effects go away.

I am a lucky girl :)

Chemo 7/8...almost there

There are a lot of things I am unable to carry on once the drugs are injected, and then bit by bit I begin to get my normal life back. Recently I realized that "turning on a computer" has been the key action for me; once I can turn on a computer, I feel nearly fully recovered. Anyhow, it surly feels good to be back!

The chemo 7/8 was terrible, it was the worst one after all. I cried pretty badly at the hospital during the injection, so the nurses decided to put me onto sleep. I actually cried during the chemo 6/8, too. It's weird because I understand knowledgeably that the drugs are not going to kill me. But when I see the bottle of drug, the nurses, and my left arm with spots from injections, I just go into panic. Well, a slight nausea is starting to creep up as I write this blog about last week, so I'm going to stop talking about it. Right now I can't even watch a TV shows that has nurses and hospitals in it.

2 weeks ago Yukari and Keibun visited, and we went to eat...fancy hamburgers!!

Other than that, I'm happy now, simply because I don't have to go to hospital for another one week, and I get to do whatever I want!! I'm going to hang out with Sawako tomorrow, and my sister is coming back home over the weekend hopefully, which I'm looking forward :)